Little Liam is not happy. He wants the star wars bowl, but Aedon gave it to Luke. Liam throws a fit. Now Luke is crying too. After calming Luke and ensuring him that Liam will not be taking his bowl from him, I have to address the underlying issue with Liam. He is now tossing himself around on the floor like a crazy person, crying and screaming about the star wars bowl. I send him up stairs to gain some self-control. A few more minutes of crying/screaming pass and finally he is in control of his emotions and we can talk. I give Liam the choice, “you may either choose to have a happy heart, and eat out of the snoopy bowl, or choose a spanking. If you choose to throw a fit, you are choosing a spanking. You decide.” He thinks about it for a moment, and then tells me very quietly, “Happy heart.” We pray, and ask God to help him to choose to have a happy heart, and down stairs he plods, off to eat his cereal with a happy heart. I wish I could say it comes natural for Liam, that he chooses to be happy rather than pout and try to manipulate others to get his own way, but that simply is not true. He has his own opinions and is NOT happy when you disagree. But I can say, after 4 years of correcting, challenging, and lots of tears and hugs, he is developing into a little boy who is choosing his response based more than soley his emotional reaction. His big brother Aedon has become quite the old pro at it. He tells me in the morning, “mom, it’s going to be a great day!” and I usually say “how do you know?” and his response is always “because I choose to have a great day!”. He knows, it’s ingrained in him. You don’t allow an emotional response to determine what kind of day you have. Also, you don’t allow temporary circumstances to determine your mood! You are in charge of your flesh, as easily as you can decide to feel sorry for yourself, you can decide to be happy.
Not to say that your child (or you) won’t have a bad day. It happens all the time in the Harper House. Making this choice is hard. It’s making your flesh submit. I know many adults, that when faced with a no in their lives, will try to bargain, to fight, to argue and claw there way in to getting what they want. After they have tried manipulation, and any other means they have at their disposal, and they finally have to resign themselves to this NO in their lives (whether deserved or not) they do not gracefully decide to have a happy heart. They write their letters of complaint, make phone calls and tell every single person they come in contact with how hard they have it.. convincing themselves that they are indeed being treated unfairly and truly have the saddest story to be told.
How do you train your children to choose to be happy, regardless of the circumstances?
1.) 1) Show them. If you throw a fit because things don’t work out the way you had planned or hope, don’t be surprised to see your 3 year old on the floor in walmart screaming for candy when you tell him no. Your response is much more important than what you say. Your children are well aware of your emotions and your emotional response, if you can’t control yours, don’t expect them to.
Remember Emotions are not indications of outcomes. Just because your initial emotional reaction is to be sad, doesn’t mean you have to stay there. Often times we base the outcome of our day on early emotional reactions. I refuse to allow someone who cut me off to determine I am having a bad day. IF there is still time in the day, there is time to turn it around. Never allow temporary circumstances to determine your attitude.
2.) 2) Give them opportunities to practice. Often times we feel like we are helping our children when we shield them from dissapointments in life. I think there are balances to be found. We obviously don’t need to expose our children to heartache for exposures sake, but when a dissapointment is inevitable, we should allow our child to feel it, and be there for them, and show them how to cope and overcome it. We are so quick to distract them from the dissapointments in life with bigger and better things, that they never have the chance to learn how to cope. IF they can learn how to deal with Dissapointments early on in life, they will be better prepared for real life. When that child has his first job, and doesn’t get the raise he wants he will either resolve to find a different job because his boss is “unfair” or resolve to work harder, to be on time and improve as an employee so that he might qualify for the next raise. His boss will NOT say to him “I’m sorry you didn’t get this raise, but if you stop crying I will give you a bigger raise…” but often times I see parents do this sort of thing.
3.) 3) Pray—Never underestimate the power of prayer in your child’s life. When we started praying with our children, that God would help them to choose to have a happy heart, we saw a tremendous difference. As Adults, this is how we should be coping. We need to rely on God’s strength when we feel weak, to find his source of Joy when we are sad, to allow him to encourage us, to empower us and to rest in him. This is what we need to teach our children!
4.) 4) Have Grace. Realize, your children will respond poorly—a lot. IT’s not acceptable, but it should be expected. I always give my children plenty of warnings and time to gain self-control on their own before I take any steps of discipline. Children who have learned to gain self-control on their own, are much better off than those who are forced to internalize their feelings. Just because a child has stopped crying, does not mean he is no longer sad. Just because he can plaster a smile on his face, does not mean he has chosen to have a happy heart and changed his attitude. You should be more concerned with the transformation of their hearts than the fit stopping. Sometimes it takes time, and it always takes patience on your part.
